Do you smell bad, and (more importantly) does it bother you? If so, read on...

I'd like to kick things off with a light hearted topic, but one which can potentially have a negative impact on your life - body odour.

Let's face it, we're naturally smelly creatures, and while this might have been acceptable back in Neanderthal times (and apparently still is in some European countries), current social trends dictate that we must not smell bad to others.

I was never the really stinky kid back in school, but I certainly remember the names of those who were. That's over 30 years later! I remember those kids' names simply because they stunk. I don't remember their academic or sporting achievements, only that they smelled really bad.

It never occurred to me at the time that I might smell bad too - duh! First mistake. At around the age of 13, I realised that some of this odour was mine. What to do? At that time, there was only 1 product that I was aware of because it was relentlessly plugged by Muhammad Ali - Brut 33.

"Fly like a butterfly, sting like a bee. The great smell of Brut, and the punch of Ali!"

Apply liberally, the label said, so that's what I did.

So, no more bad smell, and the stinky kids were still stinky. How smug I felt! But something was not quite right...

It took me a couple of years to realise 2 things: that too much Brut is not necessarily a good thing, and why was I using Brut when there were other products on the market (damn you, Mr Ali). The problem was that I had been using spray-on Brut, and while it had a reasonably pleasant smell, the "liberal" amount I was applying was too much. It was also more of a deodorant than an anti-perspirant, so by the end of the day, the combination of my stinkyness with the smell of Brut created whole new unpleasant smell.

I also noticed that I was getting sweaty armpits, which permeated through to my blue school shirt - the horror! Not only that, but even after my shirts were washed, a faint stain remained.

It seems funny now, but there I was, arms pinned to my sides all day, lest someone saw the sweat stains, and hoping in vain that it would also keep the slowly building smell at bay. It's hard to write or play sport with your arms at your sides, hard, but not impossible. People tell you that you run like a tard. Ahh, but at least I didn't stink.

I refined this process slowly; wearing a jumper kept most of the smell in and I regained the use of my arms. I had to be careful on hot days though, but it got me through school without being labelled one of the stinky guys.

I would still get sweaty pits though, and this always bothered me. There must be a better way, there must! I started looking at other guys' pits when they raised their arms, and I realised I wasn't alone.

While working in a major department store to pay my way through university, I came across the Clinique brand. They sold an unscented roll-on anti-perspirant. No scent, that would never work, I thought, but the persuasive (and attractive) consultant convinced me to try it. $20 for a 75ml (2.5 fl. oz. for you crazy imperial users) bottle! It had better bloody work.

At first I wasn't that impressed. It was wet, expensive, still left marks on my shirts, but did seem to prevent the B.O. Should I persevere? One day it hit me - what if I let it dry before putting on my shirt? But how long would that take? Hmmm...how about using a hair dryer to speed up the process.

So effective you could even skip a day.
They don't use this slogan anymore.
I wonder why?

Bing! It worked. It felt like I'd made a major scientific discovery. I could now go out for a whole day, raising my arms, even exercising, and not only did I not stink, but there were no longer sweat stains under my armpits. Boy, did I feel really smug now.

As I went through Uni and into the workforce, I noticed (being slightly less self-absorbed) that many people, both male and female, still had sweaty pits, and if you got too close, could be a bit on the smelly side too. It's quite an awkward subject to broach, especially with people you don't know, so to this day, I've only shared my "discovery" with close friends. At first they'd tell me I'd gone mad and take a couple of steps back, but every time they would come back and admit that the method worked.

I've refined things slowly over the years - Clinique withdrew its anti-perspirant from the market over 10 years ago, and that sent me into a sweaty (what is this wet, smelly stuff?) panic.

I started scouring the supermarket shelves for unscented, roll-on anti-perspirants, tried a few, including one containing no aluminium, just tea tree extract and aloe. What a disaster that was - it wouldn't dry, didn't stop me perspiring and gave me sweaty pits again - oh, the shame.



This strengthened my resolve, so I looked a bit harder, and eventually came across an anti-perspirant marketed by Revlon under the Mitchum brand. "So effective you could even skip a day" was their slogan at the time - shit, this stuff must be good, or dangerous, I remember thinking. They've changed this now to "Powerful protection all day long" - maybe there was a class action lawsuit challenging their initial claim! As an added bonus, it was only $3.50 for a 50ml (1.7 fl. oz.) bottle.

This is good stuff

I soon found that used liberally, which I could afford to do at that price, it was just as effective as the Clinique had been. It also dried more quickly, so I could apply it after getting out of the shower, shave, go about my morning ablutions (I could have said et cetera, but it's important that you understand the process) and in 5-10 minutes, depending on the season, it's dry. No hair dryer needed. Problem solved.

There must be some drawbacks, I hear you asking over the interwebs. Well yes, there are a couple. This stuff is high in aluminium, around 21% when Revlon last listed it on their bottle.

On new bottles, they've removed this number, and it simply says that aluminium is an ingredient. Now, I know that there are 2 quite zealous schools of thought about whether the aluminium is absorbed by the body, but I haven't noticed any side effects. No memory loss, no rashes, and I haven't developed Tourettes, you stinky fucker! Or maybe I have, I can't remember.

They still claim 48 hour effectiveness - It's good, but 48 hours?

The other slight problem is that when dry, the product flakes, so if you wear untucked clothing, in summer for example, sometimes it trickles out and can leave small deposits where you've been sitting.

I noticed this one day at work (I had a dark blue chair), and thought I had dandruff! It took me a few days to work out the cause. Just a quick brush on the chair though, and it's gone.

Not pretty, but effective!

So there you have it, my anti-perspirant experience. If you're a reluctant member of the sweaty pits brigade, why not try this technique? There's everything to gain, and nothing to lose (unless you're worried about aluminium absorption or Tourettes). Maybe you'll come across another brand that works for you - if so I'd love to hear about your experience with it!

Disclaimer: I'm not an employee of Clinique or Revlon, nor do they pay me to endorse their products. In fact, I couldn't think of anything worse than concocting and testing products that mask people's natural stinkyness! I simply mentioned these products because I've found that they work well for me, and give me one less thing to have to worry about. Make that two things, unsightly sweaty armpits and body odour!